Lonely Lampshade Seeks Human Head

By Isaac Krone

Nov. 16, 2014

Lampshade, red with lace edges, purchased last February to replace the one that Andre punched in half when he drank too much tequila. I’m a simple apparatus, not entirely opaque but you can’t see right through me like some other lampshades. My life is a bit boring, since I only really have to work when guests are over and a mood has to be set. I’m a bit shy, but I know that life is short. I really just want to meet a man who will fulfill my desires. I want to be swept off my peg, waved in the air, and placed on top of a drunken frat brother’s sweating cranium. I want to feel that rush of his head inside me, the acceleration as he stumbles from inebriation. I want to absorb the sweat pouring off of his forehead as he tries to look in front of him and sees only me, enveloping his entire face, forcing his breath back into his mouth. If interested, call The Chicago Shady Dealer‘s lonely hearts hotline.