List of Under-Appreciated Plagues

By Daniel Betancourt

Jan. 24, 2014

10. The Pale Plague, 904-936 – Infecting overbore more than 80% of Europe, the sadly hereditary Pale Plague turned its victims sickeningly pasty and caused them to pretend to like classical music.

9. The Plague of Locust, 1818 – South Carolina farmer Max Davidson was just minding his own business when this massive locust just flew right into his kitchen and almost stung him! Wait, do locusts sting?

8. The Plaque Plague, 1391 – One morning, everyone in the town of Agde, France woke up to find dozens of strange monuments scattered throughout the village, each bearing a commemorative plaque bearing a date from some time in the future. The last, purportedly from the late 23rd century, marks “where the Glorious Droid Army destroyed the last of the Meat Men”.

7. The Plague of Infidelity, 1964 – Infecting insurance salesman William Cayuso for months before he confessed to his wife, this plague forced an innocent man to cheat on his wife with his secretary, their neighbor Veronica, and numerous prostitutes.

6. The Bad Dancing Plague, 1519 – Spreading throughout the Holy Roman Empire, this plague caused its victims to dance in the streets for hours at a time, yet not a single one displayed anything resembling rhythm.

5. The Plague of Idiocracy, 2006 – Somehow transmitted by watching the film of the same name, this debilitating disease made its victims completely insufferable as they insisted that society was going downhill, and that humanity would never again produce people as smart as them.

4. The Plague of Jenny, 1992-present – God, she’s such a bitch.

3. The Plague of Morning People, 1636 – Primarily contracted by roommates and coworkers, this plague caused its victims to wake up at seven a.m., bright, chipper, and above all loud. Sadly, a cure was never developed, as most victims had to be put down by violent bludgeoning with whatever was at hand.

2. The Plague of Man, 200,000 BC-present – See, from the Earth’s perspective, people are the real disease. Just think about it. Think about it and repack this bowl.

1. The Plague of Self-Reflection, 470 BC-1948 – This horrifying disease caused the infected to question their real purpose in life, how best to treat other people, and whether anything they did had real meaning. Thankfully, it was cured through the invention and popularization of the television.