Joe Biden Accidentally Slips Tongue into Mother’s Ear

By Sam Taylor

March 1, 2015

Vice President Joe Biden was photographed last Saturday vigorously fondling his mother’s left earlobe during a private family gathering at his Washington D.C. residence.

“What made it worse was that we had to yell at him for like at least 45 seconds to get him to stop,” detailed a close family friend. “After he finally stepped away, he just chuckled and served himself another slice of pecan pie. Some sort of agency should really step in.”

The Vice President offered a response to the allegations during a press conference Monday. “I don’t see what the big fucking deal is. It wasn’t any of you guys’ mothers.”

The somewhat startling sequence of events arrives amidst a consistent string incidents evidencing Biden’s seemingly indiscriminatory invasions of personal space. President Obama has yet to make a statement on the incident, though his Chief of Staff has confirmed, “Ew.”

Moving forward, the Vice President has not indicated any intent to adjust his strange understanding of acceptable human interaction.

“Politics is just like family,” Biden said. “Neither can exist more than three inches away from another person.”