Is UChicago’s Environment Giving You Depression or Do You Just Deserve to Die? Look Out for These Five Signs!

by Cornelius Amadeus Ginger III

Oct. 26, 2018

It’s third week and, if you’re like me, you’re probably just now realizing how your limited success in high school makes you nothing but a pathetic, tiny fish in a churning ocean of precocious talent and prestige. Is the latent revelation of your devastating mediocrity tearing your self-esteem to shreds? Are the pressures of the freshman plague and midterms too much for you? Surprise! You might have depression! Or maybe you’re just a worthless trash heap and every moment of your existence has been a cruel mistake.

Here are some signs for figuring out the first one!

1. You can’t sleep

Have you been waking up at 5 p.m. and then also going to bed at 5 p.m.? Do you have issues staying asleep or falling asleep? Insomnia is a common sign of depression and other mood disorders, and it could signal a deeper mental issue. Or maybe you’re just doing so little that you don’t deserve to feel sleepy anymore! Remember when you dropped out of Moot Court because it was “too much of a commitment”? Your roommate already has six internships lined up for winter break. Get a job.

2. You often feel irritable

If you’ve been feeling annoyed with your parents more often than usual, or if you’ve noticed that you simply feel angry on a more frequent basis than before, you might be displaying one of the classic symptoms of major depressive disorder. People who suffer from depression remain in chronically low moods that only rise up in the form of irritability or anger. Alternatively, you’re a piece of shit who takes your loved ones for granted and doesn’t deserve affection. Seriously–what kind of monster snaps at their friends? What the fuck are you doing? You don’t deserve their love.

3. You can’t study efficiently

One classic symptom of mental illness is a lack of productivity. Depression patients have been shown to have attention spans short enough to rival those of ADHD sufferers–that might be the cause for that low-energy phase you’re going through. Or maybe God just made you wrong! Neurological factors out of your control were definitely the reason why you had to drop that fourth class and switch out of Honors Chem. It definitely wasn’t because you’re a useless idiot who can’t deal with any modicum of pressure. At least now when your parents ask you what you’ve been doing with your $50k tuition, you have a bulletproof answer, you lazy fuckup.

4. Your eating habits are all over the place

Have you been missing meals? Is pushing food into your gaping mouth hole too advanced a science for you? Maybe you should drop down to the Regular Non-Honors Meal Plan instead! I hear they have supplementary sessions for people who can’t even figure out a regular eating schedule. It meets five times a week, because you need five times the help to manage your sad existence. Life is hard when you’re fucking incompetent.

5. You wake up every morning and think to yourself, “No.”

Just go dig a hole and lie in it forever. That’d probably be a better use of your time than writing some article for a satire newspaper to craft some illusion of self-awareness and peace.