![]()
Nov. 8, 2016
It’s almost the most wonderful time of the year again! And that means it’s time to start thinking about gifts for the important people in your life. Now, that’s all well and good, but who wants to deal with regular, –old religious holidays anymore? Not only are they culturally exclusive, but they’re boring! Spice it up a little with the fist-sensation that’s sweeping the nation: Fistmas!
Instead of subjects like peace and gratitude, Fistmas focuses on something the vast majority of people have: namely, a fist. Say goodbye to dull trees and candles and., gGand get ready to deck your knuckles out in true Fistmas spirit. Affordable and fun, Fistmas makes Fist-giving a joy for the whole family. Remember: if your knuckles aren’t white by the end, you’re doing it wrong!
According to a new study sponsored by the Order of the Massive Hand, Fistmas is gaining in popularity, and is expected to enter rapidly into the wide crevasse of American holiday culture with limited pain. Truly, this a joyous occasion. Don’t worry about practicing Fistmas in adverse weather, either. A little coldness isn’t going to ruin our hand-happy Fist-exchange!
Update: How Do I Return my Fistmas Gift?
Hello once again, everyone! A very moist Fistmas to you all. I am writing to see if anyone knows a way for me to possibly return the gift I received as part of my town’s local Furtive Phalange drive. While I do appreciate the thought, I just don’t think it’s for me.
The gift consisted of a pink, glove-like apparatus equipped with strange metal outcroppings. It also had a cartridge compartment for the seven AA batteries required to operate it (which were included, yay!). The device, labelled simply as a “Mister Fister 9000”, looked cool, but lacked any instruction manual – which appeared to have been replaced by several intricate diagrams of various fruits and vegetables at numerous odd angles. I tried looking up a “How –To“ video on operating said “Mister Fister 9000”, but every search result was either blocked by the F.B.I, or only available for viewing in Slovenia. Could anyone tell me the best way to return my gift? I am getting notably uneasy just seeing it here lying next to me as I write. I guess I’ve had enough Fistmas for one year. I’ve got to hand it to them though, they sure have some catchy music. Thanks, and have a White-Knuckle Fistmas, everyone!
