I Just Wanna Find Someone to Have the Lady and the Tramp Kiss With, But With a Line of Blow Instead of Spaghetti
By Nico Aldape
Dec. 5, 2018
Ah yes, the shining moment in one of the best of Disney’s nineties Golden Age films, a breaking down of class barriers between rascally mutts and elegant Cocker Spaniels: Lady and the Tramp. The spaghetti noodle kiss is one of the most well-known scenes of a Disney movie, or any movie in general.
Many a couple have tried to replicate this with Instagram boomerangs, but alas, many make mistakes in the search for that perfect couple pic. Often, the noodle is accidentally bitten by one partner, ending the elegant, simultaneous slurp of the two lovers. Other times, that little slippery sucker falls out of one significant other’s mouth to the floor. Occasionally, some couples don’t get the memo that this must be an elongated slurpy noodle, and try this move with tortellini or gnocchi. That’s not how it fucking works! That just makes the filling spill everywhere! Just sloppy and unprofessional. Shame on you.
Other times, one lover may send the spaghetti back to the kitchen because it wasn’t to their liking, in which case, they probably also don’t tip and deserve nothing but consternation and shame. On some occasions, the entire plate of spaghetti spontaneously combusts in a ball of fiery doom as red as tomato sauce. Despite this being a classic scene, I did feel it could be improved in order to make this more replicable in the real world and acceptable to the masses. Why not use a line of powdered cocaine instead of pasta? Schedule 1 drugs? More like Schedule FUN! Schedule 2? More like Schedule “Woo-Hoo!” (Cue “Song 2” by Blur).
I know this might seem outlandish, but allow me to explain. Why not make it a romantic activity? Couples love making breakfasts together (or just going to brunch for bottomless mimosas), so why not have coke as a romantic wake-up meal? In Colombia, one can have tea made with coca leaves as a nice wake-up buzz. I really hope they make coca leaf Keurig cups one day! That’d be mighty convenient, as powdered coke is not the most soluble in water. I would try crack, but I can’t find any car antennas to smoke it out of. This could be much fancier and well-prepared, but one can make lines of coke ornate, romantic, and worth at least one Michelin star!
Some couples make their meals in fancy kitchens with fancy knives, utensils, and cutting boards. All one (or a couple, or a unicorn hunter and a unicorn, if you’re into that) needs for a delicious powdered breakfast is a desk! As a wise man once sang, “Chop your breakfast on a mirror!” I haven’t managed to find those eighties razors anywhere, so I just broke the foot off a neighbor’s garden gnome and have been using that. I don’t remember doing that, but the gnome’s foot is there, so I’m just rolling with it. I also can’t find any small hollow cylinders or dollar bills to inhale with, so I’ve just been using a leftover boba straw. Maybe someday I will be able to share yay with bae.
