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Feb. 2, 2017
On the sixth day, God’s mom read him Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg – and from this fever dream of a children’s book, Adam’s image was born.
But the day before, when Godhe was busy with the animals and other fifth-day stuff, God’s shitty uncle was babysitting and let him watch the rendition of Jumanji that has a 6.9 on IMDb. Robin Williams’ portrayal of Alan Parrish was, well, let’s call it underwhelming. Don’t shoot the messenger;, I know everybody’s gotta love Robin Williams. It just wasn’t how the big guy upstairs imagined it. He wanted more oomph and less zip. A more rounded character, that’s all.
A lot stuff goes down in those 104 minutes. AAnd, after a mindfuck like that, it can be hard to come up with your own material. So maybe God plagiarized a few jungle animals here and there, but look at the bright side; us humans look pretty good relative to some of the stuff born out of his Jumanji writer’s block. I know I’m not the only one who feels better about myself when I come across planaria and bird-eating spiders.
Take that, evolution.
