Gladiators Herald End of Net Neutrality
By James Ekstrom (100 BC)
Jan. 26, 2014
A decision passed in the Roman Senate has declared the end of the age of “net neutrality” in gladiatorial combat. The decision to implement “net aggression” is favored by some as an opportunity for gladiators to contribute innovations to the game, but purist fans as well as some other gladiators are skeptical of the wisdom of this decision, fearing that unfettered usage of nets in the games may have consequences beyond what the Senate has anticipated.
The particulars of net neutrality are sometimes hard to follow for those who are not regular attendees of the games. According to old regulations, gladiators were not allowed to use nets in ways that may give advantage or disadvantage in combatThey could instead be used only for neutral actions, such as adding flair to the gladiator’s outfit, or holding a mid-fight snack. The policy had always been opposed by Reitari, known to fans as “the guys with the nets and tridents”. A spokesmen for the Reitari praised the change in regulations, and has already announced plans for innovative uses of the nets under the newly deregulated atmosphere.
“We believe there is a great potential to throw our nets onto other gladiators, thereby slowing them down and making it harder for them to move. While there is not a full consensus as to whether this particular innovation will be a better use of the net than its traditional employment as a portable hiding spot, we are excited to test out some new things.”
Union officials representing the Secutor, the class of gladiator often paired with Reitari, have announced their group’s unambiguous outrage with at with the decision, and plan to appeal to the Senate for a reinstatement of previous policies. Union head Augustus Antonius announced at a Press conference that he and his co-gladiators had little interest in so-called “innovations” that would undermine the fundamental integrity of an age-old institution and uproot the moral underpinnings of the classic game.
At press time, Augustus had suffered a fatal trident wound while trapped under a net.
