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May 26, 2015
According to a study newly released study from by the Polsky Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation at the University of Chicago, the bulk of the crying at this year’s Spring cConvocation, in a first, will be undertaken done by those receiving their diplomas. WhereasThough in previous years most of the tears have been shed by proud friends and family in attendance, this year’s graduation promises to tip that balance towards the graduates.
The study makes numerous guessesputs forth numerous hypotheses as to what could be drivingregarding drivers of this this phenomenon. The Chicago Shady Dealer has compiled a list of the most compelling hypotheses:
1. This is the last time you will ever see any of your friends.
2. You still don’t know what you’re doing with your life.
3. Meeting people is so gGod damn hard.
4. What the hell do you do with a degree in philosophy??
5. You’re in so much fucking debt.
6. You don’t have anywhere to live tomorrow.
7. It all happened so fast.
8. The future is a black cloud of dust sucking you in, and you can’t escape it no matter how hard you try.
9. You never got to hook up with Chelsea.
10. This is the worst day of your entire life.
11. You just keep repeating the words “This isn’t happening” over and over again in your head.
12. You never thought it would end like this.
13. You’re all out of bullshit, man. No bullshit left.
14. There are so many things you wish you had done, and even more you wish you hadn’t.
15. This is the last day you’ll ever truly be happy.
The Chicago Shady Dealer would like to congratulates the entire cClass of 2015 on making it this far. Well done! Good luck in the future, and always remember: you can never go back. We will be here long after you’re gone, long after you’re gone, long after you’re gone.
