“Fiscal” Cliff Threatens to Drive Economy into Recession

By Daniel Moattar

Jan. 3, 2013

As the year-end deadline approaches, public ire and political acrimony over the United States’ “Fiscal Cliff” have approached a breaking point. “Leave me alone, you assholes,” said Cliff, 34, contacted at his Dallas home, adding, “Jesus Christ God in Heaven.” “Fiscal” Ricky Cliff, who acquired his moniker “in his college days as a bookie in Jersey,” has never regretted the addition more.

“The guys always called me Fiscal, sure. But it wasn’t official till January of this year. One Friday afternoon, I’m out at the Thirteenth Step with Benny and the boys,” said Cliff, “and next thing I know, it’s Sunday morning and I’ve had my name changed by deed poll.” Rather than pay the $125 filing fee a second time, Cliff has simply used his first and middle initials for the last ten years. “So that same day, I see a weird dot on my back. I didn’t worry about it. I look a month later, it’s turned into a line. At the end of six months, it’s looking like a heartbeat on the hospital doohickey.”

Cliff consulted his doctor, a day trader, who observed that the black line on Cliff’s back precisely matched the six-month yield of the Dow Jones Stock Exchange. The discovery, reported to the Mayo Clinic, soon reached the Congressional Budget Office.

“So I say,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in a press conference earlier today, “we string the son of a bitch of against a wall and carve a straight line right up to his ears.”

Cliff, a registered Independent, voiced concerns. “First of all, I’ve got employment prospects to worry about. That’s not happening with a neck tattoo, and it sure ain’t happening with a neck gash. Second of all, I have a number of reservations with regard to Senator McConnell’s position on continued tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans.”

“Straight on up to his ears,” repeated McConnell.

Cliff-related Congressional debates have reached a peak, with President Obama returning from a family vacation to his home state of Hawaii as the mysterious trail of ink inches steadily downward. “At present, the economic indicators on Mr. Cliff’s back side have edged precariously close to his, ah, rear end,” President Obama said in a televised message from the White House. “Frankly, there’s a substantial danger of the economy winding up irrevocably tainted — by which I mean it will come to rest in or around Mr. Cliff’s taint. Without significant adjustments to our income tax bracketing for the coming year, Fiscal Cliff will drive our nation into the shitter.”

At press time, the Democratic caucus has expressed interest in an counterproposal involving surgical modifications to Bristol Palin, whose lower-back tattoo mirrors Social Security cost-of-living adjustments. Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geitner was unavailable for comment.