First Year Excited to be Surrounded by Diverse Group of Assholes

By Morgan Pantuck, 5th Year Student

Aug. 17, 2017

Incoming first year Brian Porter is extremely excited to be attending a top-tier institution like the University of Chicago where he can “finally gain exposure to a diverse group of complete assholes,” the Dealer reports.

“Back home in Kettlesworth, we only had meth-head assholes and quarterback assholes,” Porter explained. “I can’t wait to meet some genuine philosophy major assholes, social justice pricks, and study abroad scumbags!”

The university has long been making efforts to recruit new varieties of insufferable asshats. President Zimmer commented, “The University of Chicago is distinctive in many respects, but perhaps in no way more so than in our singular commitment to generating a campus community of diverse dickbags from every corner of society.” Similarly, Dean Nondorf remarked, “We have over 400 student organizations on campus, so there are countless ways to explore your own unique brand of douchebaggery.”

However, the administration’s efforts have not been without controversy. Some students feel that certain kinds of conceited fuckwads—notably Dr. Who assholes and STEM chauvinist assholes—are still overrepresented on campus. Zimmer is willing to concede that “we could use a greater spread of assholes.”

Meanwhile, others complain that the university shouldn’t base its admissions policies on the kind of asshole the student is, but rather the degree to which they suck. “You shouldn’t admit a French poetry expert who’s only mildly intolerable, just because those are rare, when you could admit the world’s worst militant atheist,” says third-year Freddy Waters. “That’s just not fair to those of us that work extra hard to be terrible and technically correct.”

Regardless of these diversity issues, Porter is still enthusiastic about his upcoming undergraduate experience. “I hope I get to meet a fundamentals major,” he whispered to the Dealer. “But I don’t want to get my hopes up.”