Feral Child Raised by Improv Troupe

By Morgan Pantuck

April 22, 2016

Chicago Aauthorities were shocked earlier this week by the discovery of a feral child in Chicago, Illinois whom they believe to have been raised by an improv comedy troupe. The child, who has no definitive name or age but responds to “Flim Flam,” “Samantha,” and “Old Leroy,” suffers from severe physical and psychological problems as a result of his unusual upbringing.

“We were passing by Second City and found him covered in dirt and curled up in a ball murmuring ‘yes and’ over and over again,” explains Kevin Yang, who helped discover the child. “We tried to rescue him ourselves, but he started shrieking and applauding vigorously when we got too close. That’s when we called the cops.”

When interrogated by police, the child originally told officers that he was from a small town called “Borpville” where he works as a candlestick maker with his apprentice, Ronny, who is blind. The child tried to show officers some of his candles, but his hands were empty. The Chicago Police Department has since confirmed that Borpville is not a real city.

Strange as it may seem, there are indeed several confirmed cases of abandoned children from around the world who have been raised by everything from wolves to chimpanzees. “The troupe must’ve have found him while they were rooting around in the trash for costumes or props,” commented Pete Hinsey, CPD superintendent. “Improvisers are remarkably friendly. This isn’t the first time we’ve seen them interacting with humans.”

According to Hinsey, the boy displays a mixture of comic and human behavior. “He mostly walks upright, but hates taking showers,” the superintendent explains. “He also gets confused sometimes when he tries to eat real pasta with an imaginary fork.”

Despite the boy’s impressive survival thus far, his future remains uncertain. “He’ll likely never fully adjust to normal society,” explains child psychologist Dr. Theresa Oswalt. “He does appears to have learned some basic English, but we’re not sure if he actually understands what he says. For example, we thought he might be slightly deaf for a while, but it turns out he just yells ‘I can’t hear you!’ at random intervals, no matter what you say to him.”

“The real challenge will be to stop him from making fart noises and miming,” Oswalt added.

At press time, the feral child was spotted making a nest out of English degrees from liberal arts colleges.