Exclusive: We Interviewed A Campus Gargoyle

By David Manchego

May 5, 2018

Hyde Park, 2018

There’s an old Irish (American) limerick that goes something like this: “There once was a gargoyle from Nantucket, then he moved to Hyde Park and gentrified the neighborhood.”  Sweet poem, right broskis? Anyway, we interviewed that gargoyle, or was it an old man with a skin condition? Probably should have checked. So read the interview if you want, or, like, not. We don’t really care. They pay me by the word, and that word is “moist.” With that, enjoy the interview! 

Note from the Editors: This interview and the views expressed in it do not reflect those of the Dealer editors and staff. 

Dealer: Hello, thanks for meeting with us. We’re so glad you could take time from your busy schedule to answer our questions. I was hoping you could shed light on the history of UChicago through the eyes of one its oldest community members.

Gargoyle: Questions, questions, questions! I remember when I had questions, once. Questions like, “What building will I be put on?” or “What does pigeon shit taste like?” or “Will this sculptor remember to give me a big dick?”  You whippersnappers and your questions. I asked questions back when I was newly birthed (and by birthed I mean birthed). I remember Grand Pappy would always avoid my questions. He kept screaming “I’ll never talk! You can waterboard me all you want!” I was in the CIA back then. 2007 was a different time.

Dealer: Of course, of course. Now, on to the first question. Tell us a bit about yourself–what do you do on campus?

Gargoyle: Eh? When I’m not running my side business of being a Milton Friedman stunt double, I mostly just sit and brood. From time to time I also post on UChicago Secrets whenever I feel like people don’t hate life just as much as I do. Oh, that reminds me, I spend a lot of time streaming Disney’s Pinocchio on loop while muttering, “I wish I were a real boy,” under my breath.

Dealer: Utterly fascinating; you really are full of wisdom. Now let’s shift our focus back to the University. Could you describe the early days of UChicago?

Gargoyle: Well, after chasing the Baptists of the Old University out with a fire and one saucy waltz, the founders of the new University of Chicago took it upon themselves to declare the University the only officially Zoroastrian university in the country, until we found out Harvard had beaten us to it, so we became Rastafarians instead. This went on for a few years until we found a new God: Benny “Jay” Franklin’s sweet, sweet 100 dollar bills–Richie Rich’s Almanac if you will. And we haven’t looked back since.

It was after this that President Harper, our first President (and our last) said, “Fuck it, I want a library.” And lo’ Harper Memorial Library was built, named after this famous memo. Granted, he also said, “We should name that building BJ,” and people took him seriously, so maybe he wasn’t 100% full of good ideas. 

Dealer: [Sycophant noises]. Now, how would you say the University has changed?

Gargoyle: Well, my dick got smaller. What I mean by that is, that when you’re gargoyle like myself, shrinkage isn’t the real enemy, acid rain is. In less important news, though, I think it all went wrong when they filmed Divergent here. Ever since then we’ve been trying to capture lightning in a bottle and be like all the cool schools. Hasn’t really worked out for us.

Dealer: Now we’re going to shift into rapid-fire questions. What’s your opinion on Grotesques?

Gargoyle: Fuck ’em.

Dealer: Best 4/20 on campus?

Gargoyle: The 4/20 of 1902 was a sight to behold, even though at the time we didn’t know why we smoked on that day. We just felt like we had to. A lot of people think our coat of arms is a phoenix being reborn in the flames; it’s actually me being reborn in a cloud of the ‘devil’s lettuce,’ as we called it in those days

Dealer: Future profesional plans now that you’re set to retire as campus gargoyle?

Gargoyle: I’ll be taking a joint position in the Econ department and Booth.