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Aug. 26, 2016
Dean Ellison Awakes from Week Long Bender with No Memory of Welcome LetterThursday, August 25th, 5:16 PMUniversity of Chicago Ddean of StudentAadmissions in the College John ““Jay” Ellison recently awoke from a week– long bender with no memory of writing the welcome letter that therecently received by the Cclass of 2020 recently received. Ellison reportedly does not remember anything that happened between last Friday night, when he began his drug-fueled misadventure, and today, when he came to in a Chili’s parking lot.
“Man, I really let shit get out of hand this time,” a groggy Ellison told the Dealer. “The last thing I remember is doing shots with my buddy T-Bone, and the next thing I know I’m in a puddle of my own vomit in this parking lot. Jesus, did I really write the whole welcome letter? I must’ve been fucked up.”
When asked about the controversial remarks about campus safe spaces, Ellison responded “I don’t know man, I was fucking tripping. I’m surprised I could even spell half of that stuff. Usually academic freedom is the last thing on my mind when I’m fucked up. What the hell was I thinking?”
When asked if he stood by his comments now that he was sober, Ellison told reporters to “fuck off” and “just let me think for one god damn second.”
Members of the admissions office told the Dealer that they had reservations about Ellison’s comments in the welcome letter, but did not make any changes at Ellison’s request. The dean reportedly submitted the letter as an attachment to a department wide email blast which has been reprinted below.
“hey muthafukazzzz got the gdamn welcome leter 4 ur asses if u chnge a word ur fired haha peace bitches elllison forever lmao“
“Fuck man, I am really fucking screwed,” said a visibly distraught Ellison said while hurriedly buttoning his trousers. “Are people getting pissed off? I bet people are getting really pissed off.. Christ, I’m too god damn hungover to deal with this fucking shit.”
At press time, Ellison was googling the phrase “‘trigger warning definition“’ while cursing under his breath.
CORRECTION (August 26, 4:15 pm): An earlier version of this article misstated that Dean Ellison is the Dean of Admissions, not the Dean of Students. government agency that investigated Hillary Clinton’s email server. It was the FBI, not the CIA.
