Curveball! MAB Announces a Two-Hour Phone Call with Your Disappointed Parents Will Headline Summer Breeze!

By Dealer News Desk

April 25, 2018

Summer Breeze

In a surprise twist, UChicago’s Major Activities Board has announced that its annual Summer Breeze Concert will be headlined by a two-hour phone call between you and your deeply disappointed parents. The phone call, which will cover topics such as your unimpressive GPA and bad spending habits, will be broadcast to an expected audience of over two thousand five hundred UChicago students.

“We thought that a stressful, grueling conversation between you and your parents would be the perfect thing to shake up Summer Breeze,” said third year MAB member Amy Green.  “We usually go with a musical act, but this year we all agreed that it would be better to showcase the ways in which you have consistently failed to live up to the narrow vision of success that your parents have forced on you since you were a small child. I think that the crowd is really going to respond to it!”

While MAB was reluctant to reveal details of the call’s contents, they did confirm that it was “truly harrowing” and confirmed that everyone involved will “say some stuff that they definitely can’t take back.” MAB also hinted that it might feature you finally telling your parents that you need to withdraw from a class this quarter. 

MAB’s reticence to reveal further information, however, did not stop students from speculating. “You know your dad is going to tell the story about how he worked two jobs to put himself through medical school that he tells every time you fuck up. And I’m just betting that your mom sighs heavily when you tell her that your bank account is empty and you need more money – that’s just a given,” said second year student Omar Hafez. “What I’m more curious about is whether you’ll finally accuse them of never respecting you since you dropped physics to do a TAPS major. Or maybe they’ll call your therapist a waste of money again.”

While no one can be sure exactly what confessions, misunderstandings, and invectives will be featured during the excruciating phone call, the student body unanimously agreed that you’ll be really damn relieved when it’s finally over.

MAB has announced that the Summer Breeze lineup will also include a C+ SOSC essay that you submitted at the last minute and your hot roommate graciously accepting a prestigious academic award.