Chicago Fire Followed by Smaller, Dumber UChicago Fire

By Thomas Noriega

May 5, 2018

Chicago, 1871

As Chicago struggles to recover from the devastation wrought by the recent inferno, the city was struck once again by tragedy, albeit a far sillier one. A chemistry student at the University of Chicago, literally a DAY after a HUGE FIRE BURNED DOWN CHICAGO, reportedly thought, “Ooh, daddy sent me here to learn, let me combine several combustible chemicals without following any safety precautions and see how much ‘learning’ I can do with my eyebrows on fire!” 

According to reports, the student took a whole flagon of ether (with absolutely NO clue what he was doing) and decided to start pouring that shit out near an active burner. When that fucker lit the whole damn room ablaze, firefighters weren’t exactly flying to the rescue.

The emergency teams eventually came to the dumb bastard’s aid, and promptly gave him a slap across his third-degree-burned face, reminding him it was lucky that the school was built of stone so it didn’t turn into the pile of ash that is now Chicago. 

He was taken to the hospital, where the attendant doctor repeatedly shouted, “Dumbass says what?” too quickly for the student to hear, prompting a number of laughs from the rest of the operating room when the student invariably replied, “What?” 

He was expelled shortly after being released from care, with the administration citing negligence and dumbfuckery as grounds for his removal from campus.