Bong Miraculously Lasts Eight Nights

By Evan Gorstein and Hillel Steinmetz

Nov. 11, 2015

It was quite the miracle. UChicago sSecond-year undergraduate Judah Greenberg’s novelty bong remained lit for eight nights in a row, finally going out on Monday.

After a quarter of receiving poor grades in his Greek Religions class, Judah Greenberg managed to ace his final essay. Professor Harold Antiochus, who taught the class, is known for his harsh grading, as well as his tendency to impose his Hellenistic world view on his students.

“I just wanted to complete my civ requirement, and I thought that Greek Religions would be an easy A,” said Judah.Judah told the Shady Dealer, “Professor Antiochus turned out to be a real hard-ass for Hellenism, though. Your’re only shot for an A in the class was to endorse Hellenistic culture and condemn the Jewish faith. Most of my classmates figured that adopting Antiochus’s world view would be well worth the A, but I wasn’t willing to give in.”

After seeing his A grade, which must have been graded by the TA, Judah went back to his dorm to celebrate, only to find that his roommate had blown through his entire supply of weed the night before. Judah searched long and hard, eventually finding a small amount of bud in a small ceramic jug hidden behind his books.

“I was devastated,” said JudahJudah,. “I had aced my final and was looking to get super-duper stoned, but all I had was a single nug of that OG Kkush.”

Nonetheless, Judah packed his bong and took a few rips. Miraculously, not only did the weed last the night, but it continued to burn for eight more crazy nights.

“I just kept ripping it and checking for greens,” said Judah.. “No matter how much I smoked, I just couldn’t cash it. After a couple hours, I called up some friends to take advantage of what I knew was a miracle. Needless to say, we copped hella latkes from the bakery to take care of our munchies needs.”

Onlookers were astounded by the sight of a bong that refused to burn out. Many saw in the bong the same miracle as that perceived by Moses in Exodus 3:2, citing the verse “Behold, the bong burned with fire, but the weed was not consumed.”

Another particularly astute observer was quoted as saying “That shit was lit.”