Bill Clinton Spotted Fighting with FIJI Bouncer

By Diego Pedulla-Smith and Wesley Adams

Oct. 22, 2018

Students enjoying a lively Saturday night may have gotten a little more excitement than they had anticipated after President Bill Clinton got into a fight with a bouncer outside of the Phi Gamma Delta frat house.

President Clinton was in town giving a speech for the Clinton Global Initiative earlier that day, but audience members noticed him walking out at around 9:15, licking his lips and making a drinking pantomime to someone offstage.

The former POTUS allegedly showed up at the front door of the house around 11:30, long after the party had started. When brothers of the house informed Clinton that they were full, he reportedly grew increasingly agitated, muttering to himself, “Oh this isn’t good, Little Billy needs his fix.” The ex-Commander in Chief was not able to name at least five brothers, and when asked to show them his UCID, he unconvincingly said that he had “lost it yesterday and was waiting to get a new one.”

Still, at first the conversation stayed relatively civil, with no physical contact. It was only after one of the brothers let in a girl he knew from their SOSC class that Clinton started getting violent. “Who the fuck is she?” he was overheard saying. “Do you know who I am? I’m a goddamn American institution!” It was at this point that President Clinton lunged at the brother in front of the door, wrapping his arms around his thighs in what looked to be an expertly executed double-leg takedown. Secret Service quickly stepped in to pull the President off of the brother.

Onlookers present at the scene were left bemused after the incident. “Yeah it was pretty weird,” said second-year Erica Lee. “I mean, who in UChicago doesn’t know a brother from Fiji? They tell everyone they can.”

Good Ol’ 42 was last seen walking away from the party muttering, “Let’s hit up AEPi. They’ll let anybody in.”