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Feb. 18, 2016
In a display that eyewitnesses called “devastatingdevasting” and “jaw– dropping”, area student James Wilbur lost control of his sandwich earlier this afternoon. The sandwich, which contained a sizeable chicken breast slathered in zesty sauce, began the meal in tact, but was quickly reduced to an unruly pile of chicken, lettuce, and mushy bread.
“The whole thing was brutal,” said Wilbur’s tablemate Alison Berkowitz,. “James started out really well; he was holding sandwich firmly so that none of the chicken could slip out. Everything was going fine until he adjusted his grip to wipe some sauce off of his face, then whole thing just went to shit.”
Eyewitnesses confirmed that as Wilbur took his next bite, lettuce, tomato, and chicken erupted from the back of the sandwich, and were only tenuously held together by the bun. Wilbur attempted to correct for his mistake by sliding the bun backwards to cover the exposed fillings, but this only knocked more lettuce free, showering his plate and lap. Wilbur, who passed off the mistake to his friends with a shrug and a grin, reportedly had no idea of the severity of his predicament.
“I’ve eaten plenty sandwiches before, so I really thought I could handle the situation,” said thea visibly shaken Wilbur,. “At most, I figured that I would have a few bites with a lot of lettuce and not much chicken, but that would be about it. I tried to take a deep bite into the center of the sandwich, so that I could pull of the stuff hanging out back into place, but all that did was destabilize the sandwich and leave me holding the flimsy edges.”
“That’s a total rookie mistake,” said experienced sandwich eater Sam Stuart, who watched Wilbur’s sandwich collapse from an adjacent table,. “A lot of these young hotshots think that they can bite a sandwich however they want and there will be no consequences. The fact is, if you bite too far into a sandwich without adequately biting around the edges, you’re going to end up with an unstable sandwich. That’s just all there is to it. Now, if James had turned the sandwich around and bitten off the loose ingredients, he could have saved the whole operation. I know it‘s not prettyflashy, but it really is the best thing to do.”
Wilbur, in a last desperate attempt to salvage his meal, took a bite out of the sandwich’s right edge, in an attempt to realign the upper and lower buns. However, he inadvertently knocked loose the remaining chicken, which dropped to his plate along with the rest of the fillings. An aghast Wilbur was left holding two empty, sauce soaked buns over a plate filled with the remains of his sandwich.
“The whole thing was pretty humbling, on reflection Oon reflection, the whole thing was pretty humbling,” said Wilbur. “I never thought I would say this, but I was defeated by a sandwich today. I’ve learned my lesson though; I’m going to be a lot more careful in the future.”
At press time, Wilbur was frantically trying to redistribute the cheese over a slice of pizza, for he hadving inadvertently torn all of it off with his first bite.
