Apple sues Pythagoras, claims triangle is half iPhone
By Mark Boykin
Oct. 22, 2012
In another highly publicized litigious maneuver for the Cupertino-based tech firm, Apple has filed suit against Greek mathematician and philosopher Pythagoras for copyright infringement, claiming that Pythagoras infringed upon their iPhone design anddemanding an injunction on the grounds that a triangle is simply half an iPhone.
In a press conference announcing the legal action earlier this week, Apple attorney William Lee told reporters that he feels Apple has a strong case against the 2582-year-old defendant , and that [Pythagoras’] famous formula wouldnt exist without the innovation of Apple, the company that revolutionized the smartphone market in 2007. Lee went on to call Pythagoras formula a slavish half-copy of the most revolutionary phone ever, insistinged that Apple holds exclusive rights to the concept of geometry. Apple’s claim that cuneiform tablets discovered in Sumeria, which depict a bespectacled man wearing something that vaguely resembles a turtleneck holding a dark rectangle above his head before a kneeling crowd, constitute a “prior art” for the concept of rectangular shapes, and that a triangle is nothing more than a derived work from any rectangle.
Apple CEO Tim Cook released the following statement on Apple’s website following the announcement: “Rather than innovate and develop his own concept of geometric planes and a unique Pythagorean style for his half-rectangle theorem, Pythagoras chose to copy Apple’s technology, user interface, and innovative style in his infringing squared side-length.”
Pythagoras responded to this unprecedented and time-bending lawsuit with the following statement: ???? ????? ????? ????????! ? Apple ??? ???? ????? ?????? ???, ??? ?? ??????? ??? ??????????? ?? ??????????? ???? ???, ??? ????????. ? Master of the Skies, ??? ??????? ??? ??? ?????? ???????, ?????? ?????? ??????? ??? ???????! ??? ???????? ??? ?? ?????? ??? ?????? ??? ??? ??????????, ??? ????????? ????????? ??????? ????????????? ???? ?? ??? ?????? ?? ????? ??? ??? ?????, ???? ???? ? ?????????? ??? ??? ?? ?????????! ?????? ????? ??? ????? ??????? ??? ?? ?????? ?? ????, ???? ???????? ???!”
a^2 + b^2 = c^2, ??????.
Translated into English, Pythagoras statement reads: “This is complete bullshit! Apple has no claim here, and the oracles of the court will agree with me, Zeus willing. O Master of the Skies, who rules from atop Olympia, strike down these imitators and thieves! I plead upon the knee of Athena for your strongest, most bloodthirsty patent lawyer; let him guard me in the night and in the day, that my legacy will not be tarnished! Your magic black double-triangle shall not steal my glory, demons!”
a^2+b^2=c^2, bitches.
