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Nov. 12, 2016
The soft, silky sheet. The streaks of gray that flutter across the page. The brush of the red pen on the the top corner of the calculus midterm I turned in only two days ago. It sends chills down my spine knowing I am merely getting by on a C- in college level math. It is a sense of reassurance I’m not used to getting.
Don’t get me wrong, my boyfriend is fantastic , too. He’s nice to talk to and he’s not too bad looking either. We have so much history. He provides me with “emotional support” and a “shoulder to cry on.” And I can do the same for him! I can see us starting a future together. Honestly, I think he may be the one.
But there’s just something that nags at me whenever I think about the fulfillment I get from that 71% on Chalk next to MATH. It makes me feel like I! AM! LIVING! There is nothing that gives me a break from the deafening anxiety and depression like the fact that I am currently passing one of many core requirements for my major which will eventually provide me with a Bachelor’s degree which I can then leverage to get a job ( even though in today’s economy a Bachelor’s has become the equivalent of a high school diploma and I will probably have to continue into post-graduate education to be a truly viable candidate for any career while simultaneously undergoing various internships to satisfy the years-long, real-world experience employers want).
So, you can see my dilemma when I say that I’ve got too many good things going for me, and I am really confused as to which one I am truly deriving my happiness from. What if my boyfriend isn’t the one? What if I get married to him and then ten years later, Bachelor’s in hand, I find out I’m not getting the same rush that comes fromwith being threatened with looming unemployment? Or what if I do leave him and find out the void in my life that I thought was being filled with the satisfaction of academic achievement was actually being occupied withby true love and acceptance?
There are simply too many factors at work here and my mind is getting very jumbled just thinking about ithemt. I think the most mature course of action, at this point in my life, is to simply drop the only relationship I have nurtured over a long period of time as well as my boyfriend. From there, I can figure out who I miss more.
