5 Reasons It Sucks to be a Girl

By Morgan Pantuck

Dec. 30, 2014

Ladies, we have it rough. Between periods, emotional breakdowns, and dealing with dumb boys 24/7, there are hundreds of reasons that being a girl is no walk in the park. But these 5 things are the literal worst!

1. Doing your hair is way too hard!

If you have frizzy hair, like me, then you know the struggle is too real when it comes to hairstyling. And if shampooing, conditioning, blowdrying, and straightening weren’t enough, we also have to hunt through our curly locks for the thousands of tiny demons that whisper the secrets of immortality to us and then kill them with sacred fire. No wonder we take so long to get dressed! This is something that boys will just never understand, because there are no supernatural fiends in their hair tempting them with divine knowledge.

2. Choosing an outfit takes forever!

Boys can just throw on jeans and t-shirts every day without thinking about it. Girls, on the other hand, have to fight our way through an entire closet full of possibilities. The gravitational pull from our Gucci tops and Chanel pumps is so large that it warps time in the surrounding area, much like a black hole. As a result, spending 10 minutes inside the wardrobe is the same as 60 minutes on the outside! There’s just no way to get dressed without aging slightly slower than everyone else on Earth. Thanks, general relativity. Not!

3. Bleeding on your favorite underwear.

Through the bitter, acrid smell of gunpowder and the thundering roar of bombs dropped in the distance, you must go on fighting and recapture the city. But the moans of the dead and dying reverberate endlessly in your ears, making you dizzy and confused. You desperately crawl forward, dragging your shattered leg behind you, when you suddenly realize: shit, I wore Victoria’s Secret panties today.

4. PMS.

Peninsula Medical School. Need I say more?

5. Double standards.

When a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he’s a boss. When a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, she transcends physical reality and becomes a hyperdimensional being unbounded by time and space. What is life? Why are we here? Does God exist, and does He care about us? The sexually active girl would answer these questions, were she not unhinged from Earthly “reality” and floating through the universe in a bubble of perfect synchronicity, vibrating in tune with the music of existence, a being of pure light.