World News Round-Up

Satan Speaks Out on Mitch McConnell

The Office of Satanic Affairs has released a statement from Satan, Prince of Darkness, Lord of the Damned, regarding the condition of Senator Mitch McConnell.

“We are perplexed to have discovered that Mr. McConnell has reanimated and remains in the land of the living. We were given assurances that his time had come, and our bargain was at last complete. Frankly, our department was glad to not have to deal with his office anymore. They were very rude and, frankly, uncouth.

According to our records, we are still confident that we are in possession of Mr. McConnell’s soul. However, his physical form must have eluded us. It reminds me of that classic tale with the tortoise, and not just because of the Senator’s neck. Satan burn!

To my children of Earth, I apologize. Disturbing the flow of daily affairs has never been my intention as Lord of the Underworld. I will see you all soon. XOXO Luci”

President Trump Announces New Transformers Project

In a TruthSocial post last week, President Donald J. Trump announced the United States would launch a new defense program modeled after the CGI characters known as the Transformers.

“I just finished watching a movie, made by Michael Bay, called TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON. It was TERRIFIC. Possibly, the BEST movie ever. And I had a FANTASTIC idea. Why should the United States of America, the GREATEST country ever (and so much better than it was under the Dumocrats), not have a defense system capable of fighting back the Decepticons? These decepticons are HORRIBLE and very dangerous. They are invading this country, and WE will have NONE of it!! IT MUST STOP! That is why I TODAY am greenlighting a program to build robot Transformers that will KEEP AMERICA SAFE. They will be made in America by the greatest workers ever at LG, Lockheed Martin, and of course Mattel (LLM for short). Thank you for your attention to this matter!! President DONALD J. TRUMP”

Ed Sheeran Partners with Democratic Leadership in Bold New Statement

Following backlash after Macklemore’s exit from his tour, Ed Sheeran has decided to take a strong political stance.

In a letter obtained by The Dealer’s Chief Political Correspondent, Cory Uption, who is currently allowed in the White House Press Pool, Sheeran announced a partnership with Senate Democrats:

“In this trying time, we just want to say that there is a lot of complexity in the world, so much hurt and pain. We’re here to spread joy and love and peace. I want to thank Senator Schumer for his bravery to be so vocal.

This has been a rough few days for me, a difficult few weeks, months, or years depending on your outlook. I thank you all for your support and trust. Everything happens for a reason and I am hopeful that time will heal all wounds.

I titled my first albums =, +, and ÷ to make sure that people knew that everybody should be equal, we all make each other better, and we cannot let the harsh tribulations of the world divide us.”

Sheeran will perform next in Guantanamo Bay. The prisoners, when interviewed, were displeased.