Alphabet Ct De to Bdget Crisis
Amidst nprecedented inancial woes acing the English langage, the Alphabet will see three letters eliminated to save money: , , and .
“To pt it blntly, there is simply no other choice,” said Secretary o Words Ginevere Norp at an emergency press conerence on Thrsday. “In absence o new asterity measres, the Alphabet wold be orced to sht down altogether by 2029.”
The decision cased bitter controversy among the Alphabet’s serbase. “I’ve been saying or years that we have to get serios abot conronting waste in the Alphabet,” said Herman Sharp who has brown hair and lives in Cleveland. “This doesn’t go ar enogh, qite rankly. I woldn’t mind seeing hal the letters axed. Get rid o them.”
Many greeted the news with a mixtre o consion and nasea. “I want me letters,” said Marty the Pebble.
Others were less diplomatic. “ck,” said Rsla Owler, a bean-seller. “ck. ck. ck. Goddamn it.”
In a similar cost-saving measre, the Concil on Nmbers has annonced that the nmber 5 will be destroyed on Monday.
EDITOR’S NOTE: An earlier version o this article incorrectly rendered the word “enogh” as “en.” We have since conslted a dictionary expert and are appallingly sorry.
Griffin is co-editor-in-chief for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
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