UChicago Tour Guide Fired after Confirming “Where Fun Goes to Die” Culture on Tour
ROSENWALD—A University tour guide was fired Wednesday after confirming the “Where Fun Goes to Die” stereotype was true to a group of twenty prospective students and their parents.
The ex-tour guide, second-year Hugh Mungo, refused to comment unless the Dealer agreed to write an article slamming all ten different business RSOs that rejected him. Prevented by its incomparably scrupulous ethical code from complying with this request, the Dealer instead contacted two prospective students from Mungo’s tour.
“Hugh was telling us his social life is so bad he re-reads the SparkNotes summary of The Odyssey every week to reacquaint himself with his good friend, Odysseus,” said high school senior Izzy Gone of Wisconsin. “Then he started talking about how he regularly pulls all-nighters to skim his 200 nightly pages of SOSC, and how he spent all his quarterly Maroon Dollars buying out the mountain of Celsius drinks at the Bart Mart during the second week of classes.”
During the tour, Mungo experienced a nervous breakdown while walking by the Reg. Security cameras from Mansueto show Mungo crying, faceplanting on the sidewalk, rolling around for seven minutes, pulling out a canned beverage, shotgunning said canned beverage, projectile vomiting, and running away from his tour group.
Two hours after the tour, high school junior Ivie Leeg of Massachusetts was walking through the Institute for the Study of Ancient Cultures when she discovered Mungo stroking a Mesopotamian female figurine from the second century.
“During the tour, he was complaining about never having felt the touch of a woman. From what I’ve heard about UChicago, I think he has another decade or two to go,” Leeg said.
“The University does not condone ‘Where Fun Goes to Die’ language until winter quarter,” the UChicago Admissions Office said in an email response to the Dealer. “Mr. Mungo will not be reinstated unless he sends a minimum of 1,000 handwritten postcards to prospective applicants with the words, ‘grade deflation is a myth.’”
