Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife

May 5, 1832

1. Lord Byron: He thinks there be none of Beauty’s daughters with a magic like thine wife, and wants to know if you’re okay with it. She’s cute, funny, and pretty smart, and word on the street is that things have been a little dry in your marriage. He can help with that. 
2. Percy Bysshe Shelley: This Romantic poet wants ye mighty to look on his works and despair. His wife might be known for her body building, but Shelley is building his body count—and your wife is top of the list! 
3. Lord Byron: He swears he wrote “She Walks In Beauty” about your wife three years before ever meeting her. He doesn’t even mind that they’re half-siblings—the night was made for loving, and he’s not done roving yet.
4. John Keats: A thing of beauty is a joy forever, and Keats knows it. Your wife knows it. Keats knows your wife knows it. She really wishes you’d pay more attention to her. Keats fills that void.
5. Lord Byron: He wants you to know that he really likes your vibe and would love to buy you and your wife a drink