Supreme Court Rules Forth Amendment Intended Ironically
WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court announced a major shakeup to American criminal law on Thursday, ruling that the Fourth Amendment to the US Constitution was “intended ironically.”
Writing for the six conservative justices in the majority in the case of Tennessee v. Wobbins, Justice Clarence Thomas explained that the Founding Fathers never intended for Americans to actually believe that they had a right to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures.
“A careful study of the debates surrounding the drafting of the Fourth Amendment reveals that the Framers of the Constitution wrote that particular provision in a bitingly sardonic mood,” Justice Thomas wrote. “Never in his wildest dreams would James Madison have imagined that future generations would come away with the impression that the Constitution was meant to protect them from ‘unwarranted’ police ‘“intrusions”’ on their ‘“‘privacy’”’ ‘“‘“‘“‘“rights.”’”’”’”’”
“Hitherto existing jurisprudence has not only hamstrung law enforcement with ridiculous, wholly fabricated limitations on their power, it has also obscured one of the great pieces of American political satire,” Justice Thomas explained. “The simple fact is that the Founding Fathers always intended warrants to be issued without probable cause supported by Oath or affirmation and without particular description of the place to be searched and the persons or things to be seized.”
In a dissent joined by Justices Elena Kagan and Ketanji Brown Jackson, Justice Sonia Sotomayor condemned the majority’s decision as a dangerous erosion of Americans’ fundamental civil liberties. “The Court today not only undoes centuries of precedent but utterly disregards the plain text of the Fourth Amendment,” Justice Sotomayor wrote. “Make no mistake: today’s decision is a radical rejection of one of the Constitution’s bedrock principles and an open invitation to vast abuses of power at every level of government.
Writing separately from the majority in a concurring opinion, Justice Samuel Alito rejected the liberals’ argument, writing, “Kill yourself.”
The case was originally brought by a Nashville man who was arrested for simple possession of marijuana following a routine traffic stop in 2019, and who will now be eaten alive by hyenas following the Court’s decision.
At a press conference following the ruling, President Joe Biden condemned the Court’s decision, saying, “Look, the fact of–time like this, with every American–give me a break, Jack! Give me a break.”
Griffin is the deputy managing editor for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
