Point: Beware of the Zombie Apocalypse/ Counterpoint: Brainsssss
Point: Beware of the Zombie Apocalypse
WARNING: ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
We at the Bureau of Undead Containment have recently received alerts of multiple sightings of “mushy grey-pink slush” in relatively isolated areas, which our scientists have confirmed are scattered brains. Reports of “green slime” in the shape of footprints, as well as “random green guys” in alleyways, have also been increasing at an alarming rate. One of our cameras caught 8.675 seconds of footage of two decaying green arms waving in and out of frame.
We suspect zombies.
We warn all citizens to take necessary precautions. At the bare minimum, lock all your doors when not in use and wear government-approved helmets.
As a side note, if you insist on celebrating Halloween (which we strongly discourage), do not dress up as a zombie; our zombie-fighters will throw a dart at you, regardless of how ridiculous your costume looks, as they are easily confused.
Counterpoint: Brainsssss
Hey, I’m not a zombie, but I tried some brains that I found behind a bush, and I have to say, they’re nothing short of absolutely amazing. They’re the best combination of sweet and salty, and I can’t believe I was missing out on this! I also ate some pig’ brains, but those don’t taste as good as human ones. I’ve been lurking in the alleyways with my trusty helmet and anti-zombie spray to eat scraps, but I really want more. You should try some too! Maybe we can come up with a strat to max out the number of brains we can find.
After eating half of a middle schooler’s brains, I suddenly remembered the “survival of the fittest” thingy I learned back in science class, and it definitely applies here. Now, I’m not saying that we should start killing each other for brains (but seriously, you’ve got to try some), but that we can all appreciate and support the zombies’ way of life. Also, the more “fit” can eat more brains, so really, by eating more brains, we’re just proving that we’re more fit. So don’t support the nanny state “no eating brains” regulation! It’ll prevent us from eating something delicious and from proving that we’re fit.
I’m not a zombie, but I’m coming for you next, nerds.
Andrea Zhou — a self-proclaimed hot chocolate fanatic — is one of our beloved staff writers as well as a deputy copy editor. She has written and edited a number of articles for The Shady Dealer, and aspires to finish college with over a hundred articles under her name.
