Precocious First-Year Starts College with Opps Pre-Established
JANOTTA HOUSE – A precocious first-year student has sprinted ahead of the game by establishing random people as enemies before the year has even started. Elizabeth Foggarty has evidently done her research and has even come up with some involved nicknames to tell her friends when her opps walk by. This kind of thinking ahead will surely set her up for even more intricate webs of drama and backstabbing in the next four years!
Fellow first-years have been impressed by her mature cynicism. “She just seems so experienced,” said housemate Mary Beth Higgins, who regularly sits next to Foggarty at the house table in Cathey. “She told me the other day not to talk to Josie because she posts too much on Instagram and it’s annoying, and I feel so validated that she agrees that her hair looks weird!”
Halperin resident Georgia Johnson agreed: “Elizabeth told me to avoid anyone majoring in Law Letters because she heard that they all have bad vibes—especially her mom’s college friend’s son, who she says is pure evil. I feel so much more prepared already knowing the dangers of Bradley McBradFace (that’s what she calls him)!”
Remaining ahead of the curve, Foggarty has also made sure to develop more serious feuds in order to pre-empt any post-O-week enmity. According to an exclusive interview with the Dealer, Foggarty revealed that she refuses to speak to a boy who looked like he would have liked to take her headphones at the silent disco, or to any of his friends. She did not elaborate on this traumatic experience.
We at the Dealer are impressed by Foggarty’s forward thinking and hope that she will develop many more fruitful enemies in the weeks to come!
Lena Birkholz is a second-year in the College who somehow seems to be turning out exactly like her parents. When not writing biting exposes of the university for the Dealer, Lena enjoys mispronouncing the word "corps", jaywalking and taking up space in coffeeshops
