I admittedly have no idea what this says

By Arabic Court Scribe

Feb. 4, 2013

Medina, Muslim Empire, 651 A.D./30 A.H.: Greetings, Commander of the Believers. I know you’ve been a busy man lately, minting the first Islamic coins, sending an envoy to China to try to convert the T’ang Emperor to Islam, and preparing the campaign against Sicily. I’ve been recording it all, so believe me, I totally get where you’re at right now, you know, emotionally and spiritually and all that. I don’t want to be a bother, but considering that I’m recording all your exploits, you should know: I have no idea what this says.

Honestly, Uthman the Generous, son of Affan, son of Al’as, Commander of the Believers… What the fuck? Could you please let me add some way of distinguishing between these letters? I get that the Prophet Muhammad son of ‘Abd Allah son of Abd’ al-Muttalib of the Banu Hashim clan, the one who calls unto God, light personified, and last of the Prophets, peace be upon him, was illiterate. But we, at least, know better. Well, not “better,” as such, obviously, since we aren’t being read messages from God by the angel Gabriel, peace be upon him too.

What I’m saying is, I can’t tell you what you’ve said in the past, O Commander of the Believers, because it could be any number of things. Did you say you wanted your court to be “small of abuse,” or have “youth included?” I don’t know if I should summon the cook who beats his kid to the court, so he can be tried and executed, or just see if I can get those performers from Yemen back in town. The other options are that you want to spread abuse and/or youth. If it’s the former, I suppose I’ll just tell my wife to take a trip the next time I’m fasting for Ramadan. Otherwise, I may be able to get you a copy of Umar son of al-Khattab’s tale of forbidden romance between a Qurayshi and a Sassanid that he wrote when he was younger. Strictly off-the-record, you understand, which means I won’t write it down.

Not that you’d be able to read it, of course. This four-letter word has 54 possible permutations. All you need to do is add some dots! That way, I can distinguish between baa’ taa’ and tha’, as well as between jim, ha’, and kha’, ra’ and zayn, ayn and ‘ghayn, siin and shiin, et cetera, et cetera.

Some related business: should the troops in Fars be provided with bathrooms, or pigeons? I’m having trouble reading your edict. Also, it took me ages to figure out all those combinations, so is there any chance you could speed up the timetable on the “inventing algebra” thing?

Thanks and/or Sugar,

Your Scribe