Freak Freshman Hasn’t Lined up Internships for Next Four Summers Yet

By Daniel Betancourt

Feb. 24, 2013

Considered startlingly reckless by his peers and superiors, UChicago first-year Raymond Santos has completely failed to secure a job or internship for every summer of his college career. Sources close to the student say he has not yet even had the customary four meetings with an advisor in Career Advancement, and that he remains naively oblivious to the fact that without sufficient planning, he will never acquire financial, political, or emotional success.

“I’m just trying to take my time and figure a few things out,” said the future fry-cook of his inability to lay down the underpinnings of his life to societal satisfaction. “Right now I feel like I still have time to look for something to do this summer. Maybe I’ll get a part-time job or something.”

Administrators, faculty, and staff throughout the University roundly condemned Santos for his childish incompetence, citing general lack of foresight and “weakness of character,” in the words of one Resident Head, as the only possible causes for such ineptitude.

“Santos needs to understand that the time has long passed to explore options and consider possibilities” said his Academic Advisor Max Davidson, who had already expressed deep concerns over the first-year’s failure in September to provide a course plan for the next twelve quarters. “If he hasn’t already figured out his life plan, there’s little possibility that he will ever have a satisfactory career, let alone find love.”

Meanwhile administrators encourage first-year Joseph Velis, who has not yet declared a major, to just drop out and be homeless now to save everyone the trouble.