Girl Wearing Gladiator Sandals Loses Fight to Death
By Maya Handa
May 28, 2013
First-year Amelia McDonald lost her left leg, both hands, and then her head this morning after participating in her first munera—a gladiator-style fight to the death—on Eckhart Quad.
Sources allege that McDonald awoke this morning and strapped on her new green faux-leather Steve Madden gladiator sandals, little knowing she would be forced to defend her fashion decision to the death.
As McDonald walked to class, enjoying the swish of her floral sundress on her bare calves, bystanders say that she was mistaken for an active retiarius gladiatrix (female net-fighter) and was challenged by Roman gladiator Marcus Lepidius to a fight to the death.
Marcus Lepidius, liege of the emperor Titus and celebrated dimachaerus (double-sword fighter), had been training under the emperor since birth to honor his opponents with a worthy death.
Accepting his challenge, McDonald ripped her sundress down the front and knotted it, toga-style, around her left breast, marring the delicate pattern of ivy that had initially attracted her to the outfit. Mussing her hair deliberately with one hand, she seized the net, trident, and dagger provided by ORCSA, and entered the fray.
Sources state that McDonald’s gladiator sandals seemed to glow with a guiding light as the first-year from Canton, Ohio adopted the typical defensive stance of a laquiaerius fighter and approached her combatant.
Lepidius unsheathed his bloodied swords with a vicious snick-snick and lopped off McDonald’s left leg with its well-fitted gladiator sandal still attached. As McDonald let out a cry of rage, blood splattered the ground and she lost both arms in quick succession. The wounded first-year staggered around in gooey circles uttering cries of despair while the delirious audience roared and flashed thumbs-down signs.
“But I had just been accepted to study abroad in Paris!” McDonald screamed with her dying breath. “I was really looking forward to broadening my experiences with a taste of other cultures!”
Yet as the sun sank ominously behind the clouds, Lepidius raised his jagged, dripping blades and cut into her neck.
McDonald died gloriously in defense of her seasonably appropriate footwear – a worthy death.
