Nation‘s Leaders Come Together to Balance the Budget on Todd’s Back

By Timi Koyejo

April 20, 2014

Following months of deliberation, Congressional leaders and President Obama have announced in a joint bipartisan news conference their plan to eliminate the budget deficit entirely through funds generated by Todd. The elusive, so-called “Grand Bargain” was finally hammered out early this morning in Roosevelt Room of the White House, where the key players of the budget negotiations met to finalize the deal. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said to reporters, “We realized that instead of trying to spread the pain around, and then fight over who gets screwed over, we should just dump it all on Todd.”

The talks’ culminationappeared headed for collapse, as negotiators struggled to decide whose back to balance the budget on. Suggestions to balance the budget on the backs of the those that could least afford it, grandmothers with terminal cancer, a small-town girl livin’ in a lonely world, homeless veterans, small business owners just getting by, large business owners barely making it, the hard-working middle class, a city boy born and raised in South Detroit, our future generations, our forefathers, defenseless defense contractors, and job creators were all ruled out.

Senior administration officials report that the meeting’s turning point took place when an exasperated President Obama threw out the idea “Why don’t we just tax the shit out of Todd? I mean, everyone here hates that guy. Right?” House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan ran with idea, responding, “Based on my back-of-the-envelope calculations, we could actually generate $100 billion in revenue if we taxed Todd every time he took a shit.” Sensing a breakthrough, both sides rushed to flesh out the plan. Revenue-generating fees include, among others, charging Todd every time he smiles and selling his cherished Pokémon card collection on eBay, among others. The Congressional Budget Office estimates that the bill will raise $6 trillion over ten years.

“It’s finally time for Todd to pay his fair share of the nation’s debt burden. Which is all of it,” President Obama announced in his closing remarks. A Gallup phone survey of 1,435 likely voters found 99.99% approved of the plan. As one respondent put it, “It warms my heart that, in our polarized times, Americans can come together in a unanimous hatred of Todd.”