LD Break-Up Mad Libs

By Morgan Pantuck

Aug. 1, 2014

LDR Break-Up Mad Libs

By Morgan Pantuck

Dear Sam,

We need to [verb]. I know that we wanted to give long-distance a/an [adjective] shot, and that I promised our love was [adjective] enough to withstand being separated by [number] miles. But, when I actually got to [college] and realized how many [adjective] [plural noun] are here, I thought [exclamation]! The truth is, I think it’s time we [sexual act] other people. I hope we can still be [shittier relationship].

[Adverb],

Carl

* * *

Dear Carl,

You are unbelievable. After all those Skype-dates and Snapchats of my [noun]!

This is because of that slag [female name] isn’t it? I saw the [social media site] picture of your [body part] around her [body part]. Did you think I wouldn’t notice? Well, joke’s on you—I have [STD] and probably gave it to you over [mainstream winter holiday]. Have fun explaining the [symptom of STD] to [same female name].

[Expletive] you,

Sam

* * *

Dear Sam,

What!? You cheating whore! I should’ve known not to trust you after that accident with the [aquatic mammal]. Those stains never came out. I’m still haunted by the [screams]. Whatever. Have a nice life, you misshapen [root vegetable or fungus]! Also, ignore that drunk voicemail I left you last night—our babies would not look like Jesus had sex with [Victoria’s Secret Model].

Sobbing,

Carl

PS: I’ll probably still want to have sex over the summer if that’s cool.