“East is Lake,” says Fur-clad Campus Tour Guide

By Daniel Moattar

Aug. 10, 2014

“East Is Lake,” Says Fur-Clad Campus Tour Guide

East is lake. Student-to-faculty ratio extremely low. One hundred percent of instructors have terminal degrees. On left is Reynolds Club, excellent cup coffee. Food options many. Cousin Volodya third-year math major, reasonable GPA. Thinking about grad school, maybe year of AmeriCorps first. Volodya fine trapper, last Tuesday catch dozen rabbits outside Broadview House. Feed Resident Master in exchange preferential treatment, make beautiful parka from skins for wife. University of Chicago encourage entrepreneurial go-getters.

In Winter Quarter many fun activities. Go to Point on house trip, read novels of Dostoevsky and weep. Tears stick to face. In many ways like popsicle. Spring Quarter weather colder, many student go study abroad vacation. Become temporary Hussars in proud legions White army for glory Tsar Nicholas. Suppress agricultural uprising, acquire life skills, learn value of teamwork. Beard tax suspended.

Plenty first-rate amenities available. Excellent gymansium facility. In June go outside once, twice if weather allow. Go to sauna, afterwards wrestle in snow. Fight with sticks. Is build character, learn valuable swear words for professional career. Foster “can-do” attitude. Eighty-two percent students participate in recreational social club activity. Student organizations beloved by all. Eighteen percent students condemned hard labor for bad morale, general sense of malaise. University of Chicago support enthusiasm and participation among student body. University of Chicago motto: Where fun become absolute loyalty.

November to February, is call “Drinking Quarter.” Stand on Lakeshore with jug vodka, all friends, first complain frostbite is loser. Last quarter, drinking quarter always fun with Semyon Ivanovich until Semyon bury nine foot deep in freak blizzard. Polar vortex like scholarly living. Difficult but rewarding. If wanted keep both feet, should have gone to Harvard.

Many required classes, important for well-rounded liberal arts education. Also instill spiritual unity. Build snowshoes, foster deep and subtle understanding of arts. Class registration very competitive, some classes essential to graduate. Until last year was P.E. requirement, must swim across pool, do sit-ups, hunt, fight bear in snow. Now cancelled because administration think is not modern. This year twelve students devour in bear attack, only tibia found.

Also, Greek life very active, discuss often Empedocles, Lucretius. Undergraduate program very rigorous, but understanding. Things changing at University of Chicago! Just this year, ask professor for extension, hit with back of hand instead of chair. I barely notice. Administration want attract high-achieving students with soft modern pedagogy. Some student study fourteen, sixteen hours each day. Able coast on natural brilliance. Due north-northwest observe Dean Boyer on bicycle. Class cancelled if snow above chin height.