Twin Peaks

By Isaac Krone

Oct. 26, 2014

Sources close to The Dealer confirm that at approximately 10:17 p.m. Wednesday evening, Rickert House resident Ian MacPherson reached the apotheosis of his existence. Ian’s life will stagnate henceforth, his paternal twin sister, Isabelle, plans to take up his mantle.

At his acme, Ian was with other Rickert students, playing midnight soccer on the Midway against Booth House. His housemates confirmed that at 10:17 p.m., Ian lobbed a shot past the incompetent Booth goalie’s left hand, scoring the game’s first and only point. Celebration was short-lived, but Ian remains proud of his minor athletic accomplishment.

Sadly, the second-year history major will never again accomplish something as important. His existence will continue in tedium, until his death at age 68 from complications of a botched appendectomy.

Isabelle, however, has a glowing career still to come. After graduating cum laude in 2017, her graduate and postdoctoral research in fluid-dynamics modeling will revolutionize the field, eventually lighting the way for other researchers to solve the Navier-Stokes existence and smoothness problems. After mourning her beloved brother’s death, she will live happily in upstate New York for thirty years and pass on peacefully in her sleep, survived by twin sons and four grandchildren.