Student Government Launches Invasion of Iraq

By Clay Olsen

Oct. 29, 2014

The University of Chicago will commence ground operations in the state of Iraq during the next two weeks, Student Government President Tyler “Tawny Lion” Kissinger announced yesterday at a press conference. Kissinger billed the invasion as a means to “expand the University’s international profile in a globally important region, in addition to providing valuable extracurricular opportunities for students.” Beginning later this quarter, students receiving financial aid will be required to report for service to the University’s new Center for Study in Baghdad.

“Universities serve as breeding grounds for the next generation of national leaders, and that’s particularly true for the University of Chicago,” Kissinger said. “But even as we provide innovative solutions to new problems, we must be mindful of the traditions of old. As such, I feel – and the Executive Committee agrees – that it would be irresponsible in this instance not to expose students to a venerable tradition and invade Iraq.” Kissinger did not say whether or not the University would join the U.S.-led coalition against the terrorist group known as the Islamic State, or go it alone and attempt to redraw Iraq’s borders along ethnic or sectarian lines.

“The important thing is to have other people’s children die for our cause,” Kissinger said, speaking from his golden throne in the Student Government Executive Suite. “The specifics aren’t important, although we plan to have the infantry primarily comprise South Side residents and scholarship recipients, in keeping with the University’s established practice of keeping poors and plebeians outside these hallowed halls.” Questioned regarding the combat readiness of untrained UChicago Reg-lodytes and everyday South Siders, Kissinger replied, “As you know, you go to war with the army you have – not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time.”

Critics of the plan worry that the invasion does not fit with the University’s mission as well as Student Government contends. “It seems to me that if we were to get involved in a nation-building and/or brown-people-killing project in Iraq, we’d be engaging in a lot of practical matters,” one anonymous parent in town for the weekend said. “How does that jibe with UChicago’s commitment to never teaching its students anything remotely practical? The admissions brochure said we haven’t done that since the mid-Seventies – why turn back now?”

Second-year student and future corpse Caroline Leslie expressed dismay over SG’s new priorities. “Honestly, this has all gotten so out of control,” she said. What began as a planned move toward equal representation in government, regardless of socioeconomic status, has, according to Leslie, had unexpectedly far-reaching consequences. “As it turns out, once you give people money to do nothing of substance, they start acting like a real government – doing whatever they want and allowing abuses of power to go completely unchecked.”

Actual University President Robert Zimmer could not be reached for comment.