Sorority Declares Raccoons In for Winter

By Isaac Krone

Nov. 16, 2014

At a quarterly conference on seasonal fashion held Wednesday, the president of Omega Phi Pi announced that raccoons are officially “in” for winter. As a consequence, the sorority will be forced to relocate for the time being.

“I really thought we’d be done with this after last year,” president Becky Alison told The Dealer. “We didn’t realize the mammals were a problem until Spring Quarter last year, and they left so quickly that we didn’t actually have to do anything about them.”

“We really should have gotten that hole in the siding patched,” said Omega Phi Pi treasurer Amy Lynn. “But instead we squandered our money on parties and catering our meetings. Now we have to move out — these fucking raccoons are laying eggs in our attic again.”

The raccoons’ presence was confirmed the night preceding Wednesday’s fashion conference, when several sisters reported hearing scratching and squeaking sounds coming from upstairs. The sorority’s worst fears were realized when Katie Cassidy came downstairs to confirm that her boyfriend had cancelled his visit due to his fear of the feral squirrels.

“We can’t all live here with those birds in the ceiling,” Alison continues, “It’s just not safe and I don’t know what we’d do if they stung one of the sisters.”

The sorority has contacted animal control, who confirmed that a grubby man with a stick and a cage should arrive within the week to incompetently prod at the raccoons until he gets bored and shuffles off. Until then, Omega Phi Pi will be searching for a temporary residence.