First Year Steps on Seal
By Morgan Pantuck
Nov. 16, 2014
Traditional UChicago folklore includes the long-held superstition that stepping on the seal in the Reynolds club will prevent you from graduating in 4 years.
That legend was validated last Tuesday afternoon when first-year Blake Armstrong trod upon the seal on his way to Hutch. The seal immediately began barking and waving his flippers in an agitated fashion, disturbing those studying and eating nearby.
Witnesses were quoted as saying “Jesus, again?” and “Why haven’t we taken that thing to the zoo yet?”
In the resulting commotion, Armstrong slipped and fell to the ground, whereupon he broke his leg and the seal bit him four times. He has been taken to the hospital to deal with his injuries, but is not expected to recover before finals week, thus delaying his graduation date by at least one quarter.
Trying not to step on the seal has been a source of fear and anxiety for years. Many on-campus activist groups have tried to persuade the administration to release the seal back into the wild, but without much success.
The admissions office insists that the seal is necessary in order to attract potential students with the lure of wacky campus tradition, and President Zimmer likes to feed him little fish bits on his way to work.
UCAN (Underwater Carnivore Advantage Network) and CEP (Coalition for Equality of Pinnipeds) are making efforts to work towards a realistic compromise.
Likewise, Students for Aquatic Equity is holding a demonstration this Thursday to convince the administration to install a tank instead of simply putting up loose rope barriers, which do very little to actually contain the seal.
However, the seal is definitely not the only problem that this school needs to address. Many other campus traditions also injure students on a regular basis.
$1 Shake Day has given three customers a concussion in the past month alone, and Doc Films recently had his medical license revoked when it came to light that his surgical techniques borrow heavily from the movie “Saw IV.”
