Crusaders Crucify Downside Old Gregorians

By Willamina Groething

Feb. 1, 2015

WESTMALLE 8th of November in the Year of our Lord 1512

In what was termed a “demoralizing defeat,” the Belgian La-Cross team from the Abdij van Onze-Lieve-Vrouw van het Heilig Hart lost the Annual La-Cross Championship of the Order of Saint Benedict last Saturday to the monks of Downside Abbey. “Not that we are any less moral now,” added Father Philip Nathanël Koninkxføllekrimscheriner, captain of the Belgian team.

The English champions are believed to have benefited from the home-monastery advantage as well as superior technique and coordination in the newest sport to hit the Holy Roman Empire: La-Cross.

The Crusaders of Westmalle’s Abbey are a newer team, formed only in 1508. One of their more recently-initiated, Brother Mikael, was given a penalty for using an “Illegal Cross” when he tried to play with a crucifix roughly his height. It has been suggested that their Cistercian Vows of Silence contributed to problems in communication and coordination on the pitch. No players were available for comment, as they left promptly following the match to sail back to Belgium for evening mass and vespers.

The Old Gregorians of Downside Abbey in Bath “reaped what they sowed” (Galatians 6:7) in pre-season training. The Old Gregorians’ Father James Peter-Paul John-Simon commented, “Our lives at Downside are defined by discipline and manual labor, which clearly has advantages for our lives on Earth as well as for our eternal souls in Heaven.” The team overcame several obstacles to win the championship, including the absence of star player Brother Brutus Splynty, who is currently being investigated for allegations of impure actions towards a child at the Downside School, the Abbey’s affiliated primary school.

When asked for comment, Father James said only, “One can only love God perfectly once one has learned to fear God completely.” The Old Gregorians appear to have internalized this message, as the team received no fewer than 14 penalties for “Cross Checking” and “Unnecessary Roughness” on their way to victory.

At press time, Pope Julius II’s only remark on the outcome of the match was a general reminder to “keep the Cross in La-Cross, my children.”