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Aug. 1, 2015
Make sure you are visibly positioned among your group friends as you loiter, perhaps on a street corner or in a public park. With a bored expression, rummage around in your bag for papers, filters, and tobacco (preferably organic, non-GMO – American Spirit works best).
Glance politely at the person speaking, but stay bored! Sprinkle some tobacco into a paper and add the filter. Send a thousand-yard-stare into the distance past your friends, varying the direction here and there. This is important; you are looking through the surfaces of the worlddeep . Blink slowly as you lick the edge of the paper, and roll the cigarette. Do not look down at the paper prior to licking.
Ask around for a lighter in the middle of someone’s sentence. This allows you to check for the self-righteous “non-smokers” in your friend group. Move the flame back and forth under the cigarette. Shoot a withering look at any recently identified non-smoker watching you.
Hold the cigarette between your lips., Letletting it hang down flaccidlyunexcitedly. Light the cigarette, cCupping your hand around the end as you do soof the cigarette, light it. Original Tip from CSD: to flirt, pretend as though you can’t get it to light, and hand the lighter abruptly to your prospective O-mance or Housecest, forcing them to do it for you. Maintain eye contact from the moment they take the lighter until they hand it back to you, then ignore them completely as you begin to smoke. No “thank you” is necessary.
Take a drag on the cigarette, pulling the smoke in without actually inhaling any. Take a moment to appreciate the subtle flavors of the tobacco and the cancer that will end your life a short 30 years from now, then let the smoke spill out between your lips. As it leaves your mouth, inhale, and for god’s sake, don’t cough. Glance around your friend group, and if for any reason they seem to think you are interested in the conversation, blow a smoke ring right in their bourgeois faces.
