Obama Weds Shinzo Abe in Trans-Pacific Partnership

By Zachary Spitz

Oct. 16, 2015

To finalize the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama married Prime Minister Shinzo Abe of Japan in a ceremony in Atlanta this week.The historic partnership is the culmination of five years of courtship by Mr. Obama. Family and friends from nations around the Pacific Rim came to celebrate the union.The ceremony was closed to press, but the Shady Dealer obtained a copy of the president’s wedding vows

“I, Barack, promise to be a loving husband, a committed partner, and a consumer base for East Asian electronics,” read the vows.

Mr. Abe had some loving words in his vows as well.

“And I, Shinzo, will always be there for you till competition from China do us part,” read the vows.

Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah of Brunei, who was in attendance at the wedding, remarked that the two world leaders looked thrilled to be together, but that their kiss had too much tongue.

“Shinzo is the light of my life,” said Mr. Obama at a press conference yesterday. “It was absolutely love at first joint military exercise.”

Mr. Abe expressed similar sentiments upon his return to Tokyo.

“I’m so happy that I finally get to marry Barack,” said Mr. Abe. “It’s 2015, and a world leader should be able to marry another world leader no matter how wide the Pacific Ocean is.”

Under the condition of anonymity, senior wedding planners disclosed that Mr. Obama and Mr. Abe had been ogling each other for years, but that their love affair took on a new sense of urgency when President Xi Jinping of China began trying to woo various Asian leaders with promises of financial stability.

“We just thought, now’s the time.” said Mr. Obama. “Why hide it anymore?”

However, the expression of commitment between the leaders of the world’s first- and third-largest economies drew sharp criticism from some quarters. Labor organizations expressed alarm at the nuptials, worrying that the wedding’s extravagance would lead to unregulated cheap party favors flooding domestic markets. Others were dismayed that the marriage was negotiated secretly. This included former First Lady Michelle Obama, who reportedly kept swatting the wedding cake away from her ex-husband.

Under pressure from Democratic primary voters, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her opposition to the marriage, a radical departure from her 2012 statement calling it “the gold standard of weddings.”

However, Mr.t Obama and Mr. Abe received plaudits from Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr., who was thrilled that there was an open bar.

“Two thumbs up for that sake,” Mr. Biden declared. “Never had anything like it before.”