Kasparov Kills Horse

By Daniel Ruttenberg

Nov. 19, 2015

At his presentation at International House on Thursday November 12, many attendees were shocked to see Garry Kasparov slaughter a horse onstage.  Moments after his introduction, Kasparov asked two grunts to “bring in” a live Friesian horse to the stage.  One of the grunts also gave the grandmaster a Smith & Wesson M66 Combat Magnum, which he used to shoot the horse.  After firing, the winner of the 1984 World Chess Championship removed a swiss army knife from his back pocket and slit the stallion’s neck, killing it instantly.  Drenched in horse blood, Kasparov muttered to himself “I am king.  I am king.  I am king” as members of the audience fled the scene.  Douglas Bishop, Professor in the Department of Radiation and Cellular Oncology, has been placed in protective custody.