Am I a Homicidal Megalomaniac or A New Messiah?

By Nikolai Alodopolous, 200 CE

Jan. 18, 2016

Are you a God yourself or just a messenger for your God?

1. The god, totally. Or maybe both, kind of like Jesus.

2. Don’t kill the messenger, me!

What makes your god different from all the other gods out there?

1.) I don’t get laid as often as Jupiter.

2.) Mine definitely exists. Wait, probably. You might have to die to find out.

What means will you use to spread your ideology?

1. Attempt to spread my ideology to everyone verbally, then forcefully and bloodily convert the infidels.

2. Attempt to spread my ideology to everyone verbally, have people write books about my deeds, then forcefully and bloodily convert the infidels.

What’s the most annoying part of your day?

1. When people only convert because they are scared of the edge of my blade as opposed to having a genuine change of heart.

2. When I try to lead a crusade into the Holy Land but someone else is invaded it too recently for my followers and I to lootdestroy anything.

What is a core tenet of your faith?

1. He who denies the faith and does not live righteously will face eternal damnation wrought by my disciples and siblings in faith.

2. That,e answer to a), plus that eggplant and grapefruit juice shall be the mortal representations of my flesh and blood.

What is your core goal at the end of the day? What is your “world vision,” so to speak?

1. To not have people of different faiths judge each other for having different beliefs and opinions and just get along.

2. To eventually stop mutual vilification of other religions once the big conversion wars are over.

Do you see either one of your world visions playing out in the next millennia?

1. Probably not.

2. I’m someone who hears the voices of the gods in my head, not asome miracle worker!

RESULTS:If you got more than four or more ones, the Shady Dealer regrets to inform you that you probably just have a God complex and are suffering from massive delusions. Nonetheless, may the sun shine eternally upon you, and may you survive the next plague or nomadic invasion.

If you got four or moremore than four twos, then gimme that old time religion. Here’s a guide of what to do:.

Step 1) Codify your ideology.

Step 2) Start a religious revolution, go down in the annals of history, and receive many gold coins in speaking fees.

Step 3) Prophet.