It’s Cold Outside

By Rygar Flesh-man, Ice Age

Jan. 22, 2016

After the application of advanced meteorology techniques to the surrounding environment, weathermen across the world have concluded that it is cold outside. Many are not surprised at the cold weather, considering it has been cold for the last eight hundred billion years. This news comes as a relief to dozens of fellow cavemen who were unsure which animal skin to wear.

The research process to determine the current temperature outside was rigorous, taking advantage of the most current scientific techniques. The foremost of these techniques involves making Jerry stand outside naked for five minutes, then asking him for the temperature. This method is aptly named “The Jerry Test”.“ This past week, the weather scored Five Colds, two Very Colds, and one Cold with Shivering.

“I do not understand why I have to go outside instead of Jagga or Bubu,” commented Said Jerry when asked about his work in the field. “It is usually cold outside.”

To those who just joining us tuned in, it is cold outside.

A small group of people are dissenting against the cold weather, claiming that it isn’t really that bad. Dissenters argue that in comparison to the other days of the Ice Age, this day is not particularly cold.

“Yesterday I went outside and I couldn’t feel my any of my arms or my legs,” remarked Gronk,aid Gronk, a resident hole-digger whothat tends to get his appendages bitten by tigers.. “ Today, I went outside and I could feel my left arm slightly. I know this because a tiger bit me and it hurt. Yesterday it didn’t hurt. If every day is cold, then no day is cold. Please help me fight this tiger.” Unfortunately, this reporterRygar could not help Gronk fight the tTiger because he left his stove on at home.

The cold weather is not necessarily bad. Cavemen have been able to use the outsideworld as a makeshift refrigerator and store their food for an extremely long time. On the other hand, it is impossible to thaw out the food because there is no place that isn’t like outsidea refrigerator. Hunting has become easier as wild animals such as mammoths become too cold to move, but hunters have struggled to actually get a spear through the animal’s frozen skin.

We have recently received breaking news that it is still cold outside, and most likely cold inside. Please try to wear your warmest clothes, huddle up for warmth, and possibly invent fire.