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April 22, 2016
Following The University of Chicago Student Government’s majority decision to support the boycott, divest, and sanction resolution against Israel, President Barack Obama and the entire United States Congress have decided to completely rewrite the U.S. approach toward foreign policy.
“You know, I thought I had a pretty good handle on the whole international politics thing, but these college students are revolutionizing our approach to foreign countries in a way I don’t understand,” said President BarackMr. Obama, who immediately burned down every single document pertaining to current foreign policy in order to replace them with the ideas narrowly passedvoted on by 16 young adults enrolled atin tThe University of Chicago. “My two terms as President of the United States, X termsmy time as a senator, my years of teaching at tThe University of Chicago, Phd in whatever, and Harvard education mean nothing in the face of these student representatives have accomplished.”
Mr. Obama gave particular respect to the gumption of the Student Government, who stuck with their decision regardless of their complete lack of student support, majority approval for the resolutionvoting, authoritybility to rightfullyrepresent the student body on matters of foreign policythe subject, jurisdictionsway over University investments, knowledge ofver the situation, and general worth as an organization.
In response, both the Senate and the House of Representatives Congress hashave drafted a single cohesive document on foreign policy with the words, “Do whatever the University of Chicago Student Government tells us to do,” which is projected to be controlling in all foreign policy decisions last for for the next 1,000 years.
The Dealer attempted to interview a Student Government representative, but we were not allowed to take any recordings or notes, nor were we allowed to mention specific names or nouns. The gist of the interview was that said representative voted for something for some reason, and feels some way about something else.
At press time, The University of Chicago Student Government is celebrating their success in influencing the United States’ foreign policies with all five5 students who actually voted in their elections.
