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Dec. 8, 2016
The Pope himself, in a grand battle to win back many souls of Catholics everywhere, (especially Long Island, New York), announced that stem cells are not the future of science. Instead, they areThey’re demons that live in trees, also known as tree demons. The Pope cited many bible quotes, but did not fully explain the Catholic Churches reasoning, so I have decided to make several, completely logical, arguments explaining how the Catholic church discovered that stem cells were indeed tree demons.
Argument 1: Stem cells are cells from stems and trees are like flowers which have stems. Some flowers have poison stems. Also, poison is dangerous and demons are also dangerous, so flower demons are like tree demons. Flower demons are like stem cells, so by transitivity on the continuum, stem cells are tree demons.
Argument 2: STEM cells are groups that further science, technology, engineering, or math, and botany is plant science, and some plants are trees. Sometimes science goes too far and becomes demon science, so botany is tree demons. Therefore, STEM cells are tree demons.
Argument 3: Stem cells are undifferentiated cells, which can become anything, so a tree can be made of stem cells, and only God can make things into other things, and anything that tries to mimic God is a demon. Therefore, stem cell trees are tree demons.
Argument 4: Stem cells is an anagram for tree demons if you kinda close your left eye and open your mind. Therefore, stem cells are tree demons.
Argument 5: I’m the Pope and I can say whatever the hell I want is a demon. Therefore, stem cells are tree demons.
Argument 5: Stem cell trees are very tall, “And its leaf does not wither; And in whatever he does, he prospers” – The Bible. That shit is unnatural. Everything withers., Yyou know what doesn’t wither? Vampires, and vampires are blood demons, so stem cell trees are tree demons. Therefore, stem cells are tree demons.
Today tThe Pope, today, has finally revealed the truth about stem cells, and their dark, forest-y origins. The above arguments should hopefully make the Cchurch’s decision reasonable to us layfolk, but if it doesn’t, make sure not to question it! It’s the Wword of God.
