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Jan. 28, 2017
Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely FunIn a press conference streamed to YouTube last Saturday from his parents’ basement, eighth-grader Sean Spicer announced that his house party was filled to the brim with friends who all had massive amounts of fun. He continued to say that everyone who said the party sucked is a liar and completely wrong.
“Jamey tweeted inaccurate numbers involving my party size, which is stupid because Jamey didn’t even come,” said Spicer, who added that he didn’t even want Jamey to go to the party anyways. “Actually, there were so many people at my party that it was impossible to count in the first place.”
Spicer explained that his house can fit “like a bajillion” people, and his house party was completely and indisputably full. Logically speaking, then, Spicer’s house party had a bajillion people and was the biggest house party in Riverdale Junior High history. Spicer further explained that Barack Obama’s house has an extremely small living room, so his party was the worst party ever. When confronted with photographs depicting his house party as empty, Spicer said that the left-wing middle school radicals purposely took photos at bad angles to make his party look lame, and his mother just painted the walls a lighter shade of blue which highlighted empty spaces.
“This makes sense because I am the most popular kid at school and everyone loves me, and these photographers are big fat losers who are totally jealous,” said Spicer. Spicer finished by announcing that he sneaked a “dope” 30-rack of beer to the party and everyone got “schwasted.” Sources later confirmed the beer as O’Doul’s nonalcoholic beer, but Spicer’s friend Kellyanne clarified that it was instead “alternative beer.” Spicer ended the press conference by disabling all comments then crying in his room for the several hours.
