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Feb. 6, 2017
President Abraham Lincoln was shot and killed today during a production of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. The assassin’s motives are, as of now, unknown, but he is noted as shouting “THE GAYS”. The law enforcement on the scene believe that this information is completely unrelated to the assassination itself. The president’s former opponent, Stephen A. Douglas is noted as saying, “President Lincoln was totally not gay. I swear. Very not gay. Totally wasn’t. He was a manly man with those strong arms of his. Totally not gay though.”
The main suspect in the murder, John Wilkes Booth, was apprehended shortly after the assassination attempt standing outside the theater. In a press conference after the attempt of president Lincoln’s life, former Vice-President, now President Johnson dispelled any rumors regarding President Lincoln’s reasons for being at the theater that night, “The assassin was obviously upset by President Lincoln’s civil war; it has nothing to do with that.” The “that” that president Johnson was referring to is still unidentified, but many believe it to be the latest edition of the Gay Agenda. This is obviously impossible because President Lincoln, obviously, wasn’t gay.
President Johnson’s press conference was soon overshadowed by an announcement from the gays, revealing both the release day and the authors of this year’s addition of the Gay Agenda. President Lincoln’s name was listed first among the authors, which is admirable considering he was straight-y straight straight, not gay.
It is undeniable fact that President Lincoln helped to draft the gay agenda, but in doing so, he has shown his indomitable moral character. President Lincoln will be remembered for his great contributions to both the blacks and the gays, even though his enemies will try and say he was one of them.
