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Feb. 6, 2017
In a new groundbreaking new study, microbiologists have been able to finally decipher cellular signals used by early prokaryotes. To the biologists’ surprise, many of these signals mentioned a “big ol’ asshole,” among other gossip that would concern single-cell organisms, including a rumor claiming that the “asshole ate TimothyGreg whole”. In an effort to understand what, or who, this “big ol‘ asshole” was and why it ate TimothyTimothyGreg, the scientists began to look even more closely at the signals. Before long, the microbiologists realized that this “big ol’ asshole” was indeed big, given all of the signals mentioned it being really large. Later, the scientists used their knowledge that the cell was both an asshole and that it ate Timothy to deduce that this “big ol’ asshole” was indeed the first eukaryotic cell.
Instead of celebrating and publishing this newfound evidence for the endosymbiotic theory, the microbiology community entered an extremely large and polarizinglarge-scale debate. This led to an influx of research on the word “asshole,””, raising the question: of really, who is the asshole here?. This debate even extended into many other academic disciplines. Many of pPhilosophers asked “Was the first eukaryotic cell just a bit of a bad guy?”. Literally every single evolutionary biologist winder if Timothy just a silly victim of natural selection? But I, who until yesterday did not know cells and batteries where different thing, would like the scientific community consider that, maybe, the first eukaryotic cell was literally a giant asshole? No, I don’t mean “asshole” as in that guy whole spilled my rice once. I mean a literal anus or rectum or whichever butt part is the literal asshole.
Now think about it, we all know several “assholes”: your uncle Jimmy, Walt Disney, everyone on the 4th floor of the Reg at any given moment, but how many of them could ingest another cell and incorporate it into their cytoplasm? None. But you know what can? An asshole. Assholes are ready-made to ingest things whole. According to Untold Stories of the ER, things get stuck in assholes all the time, so it’s not unreasonable to say that the pre-cursor to the mitochondria could be stuck up there too. I know my claim seems ridiculous, so I decide to test it out. As of today, I’ve had a Gen Chem text book in my asshole for 10 weeks, and I think that I’m no longer the measly student I was before. I’ve evolved into the pre-med I was meant to me. This evidence supports my claim that the first Eukaryotic cell was a literal asshole. I do hope you foolish scientists begin directing your research towards the truth and start testing these claims because I still need help removing this textbook.
